The Radical Acceptance Struggle and How To Overcome It

Marsha Linehan stated "radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging."

She also stated that "pain creates suffering only when you refuse to accept the pain. If you accept the pain, you will suffer less."

Radical acceptance is beneficial for helping us reduce the severe pain that we live with. And it is necessary because without it we can feel eaten up and spit up by the empathy that we live with. Being borderline means having our empathy cup and emotional cup constantly spilling over. We cannot possibly allow ourselves to be filled with every experience and looped up into it. This is where radical acceptance comes in, both for our own traumas and difficult experiences but also in how we observe the experiences that are painful for others.

Here are some ways to help ease your struggle with radical acceptance:

1. Acknowledge the Struggle

It’s okay to find radical acceptance difficult. Sometimes, we resist because we feel that accepting something means we approve of or are okay with it. But acceptance doesn’t mean approval—it means recognizing reality as it is

2. Break Down the Process

Radical acceptance doesn't happen all at once. Start with small moments of acceptance. You don’t have to accept the entire situation immediately—focus on accepting just one part at a time

3. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness helps you become aware of your thoughts and emotions without judging or trying to change them. When you notice resistance or emotional pain, observe it with curiosity instead of pushing it away

4. Use Affirmations

Using affirmations such as, "This is the way it is right now," or "I cannot change this situation, but I can control how I respond to it," can be helpful. This is why I use the good ol’ “do no more harm” validation that DBT talks about

5. Recognize What You Can and Cannot Control

Radical acceptance involves differentiating between what’s within your control and what’s not. You can’t change the past or some aspects of the present, but you can control how you cope and respond moving forward

6. Feel the Feelings

Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that come with difficult situations. By allowing yourself to experience these emotions, you can move through them rather than avoid them

7. Let Go of the "Shoulds"

Sometimes resistance comes from thinking, "This shouldn't be happening" or "Things should be different." Letting go of these "shoulds" can help you move toward acceptance

8. Forgive Yourself and Others

Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behavior but letting go of the desire to punish or dwell on what’s happened. Radical acceptance often involves forgiving yourself for past decisions or mistakes, and forgiving others for their actions, to release the emotional hold they have on you

9. Seek Support

If radical acceptance feels overwhelming, it can help to talk through your feelings with a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor. Sometimes, we need validation and guidance when we’re working toward acceptance

I hope this helps - remember that radical acceptance was my least favorite word (okay technically two words) for years, but if I could practice this occasionally than you ABSOLUTELY CAN!